Here we are rushing toward the end of January finally! I have not written much of late because little of anything has been happening!
I didnt want to write about the 2 weeks of snow we had and about how housebound we were because all you had to do for that sort of info was turn on any news channel to be bombarded by idiot presenters freezing thier extremeties off giving continual coverage on the matter!
So I have saved up the feww odds of news for an end of month hit that will take more than 30 secs to write :)
The first news is that my youngest brother is realising a lifelong dream and releasing his first album in May which is fantastic news!!! We are all off to Dublin for the big day and are really looking forward to it! Hot on the back of that news he tells us he is now engaged and getting married next year in Athens which is just the cherry on the cake. I am seriously proud of him :)
He has just released his first track early and is donating all proceeds to the Haiti Earthquake appeal. The track is available for download here :----
http://www.downloadmusic.ie/davylewis/hold-on
Its well worth a £1 so give it a go and see why I am so proud and the fact it is not just my bias!
The hunt for work goes on in earnest and today I went for my second interview to work at Eon the gas & electric company. The job is working in a call center dealing with the debt side of things so could be interesting and a bit of a change in direction for me but should I get through the 3rd and final interview on Monday its mine! It will be soo good to be out earning again and not sitting stewing at home.
Since the snow melted I have cracked on with our excuse for a rear garden and filled a skip with a nightmare of a home made shed, that was full to the brim with rubbish, taken down a home made fence made out of old bedframes and doors and now have put up a new fence and a gate so I can get to my allotment! The new sheds are up and today I finished building the greenhouse frame and securing it to a base. I just need to scrub it down now and fit the glass so hopefully come the end of the weekend I will be ready to start my seedlings off in a few weeks time which is great! I love the spring and all the new life it inspires.
I sat in the city center square today, after my interview, enjoying the early and unseasonably warm sunshine with a cup of coffee and realised that the move up here even though its been harder work wise than we thought was well worth it. I settled my mind with the realisation that I have to let go of what is done ie my business and move forward. So In a weeks time I will be putting my old Transit up for sale and getting wifey a small cheap to run car for the city side of driving. At least that way parking wont be a problem :) I will use the family Vectra and I think my motorbike will have to go as well as its never used and is costing money just sitting there.
Surprisingly I feel no real sadness now about this so it really must be time to move on eh!
So all in all life is on the up, I can get outside again and work is looming upon the horizon. Oh and the warm sunshine has confused the Pigeons...I have never seen such bird pornography outside in full view of all in the city center today and I along with many others just had to laugh at the males convinced they were great whilst the females just looked at them as if to say "I've got a headache"
Thursday 28 January 2010
Monday 4 January 2010
2010
Here we are now a few dyas into the second decade of the millenium thankfully with all of the Christmas and new year festivities behind us. All the stress of spending money on unimportant possesions for peple you dont really want anything to do with the rest of the year is over.
The new year has come in with a big freeze. Damn its cold. Weve had snow and the temp hasn't got above freezing for a good few days with another 10 days instore for us. The motorbike hasnot coped well with this. I put a new battery on just before Christmas and now the cold has killed that one as well! I wouldnt mind but I had been starting and running the bike every couple of days to warm it through and keep the battery charged so now I will have to buy a trickle charger as the battery is the gel type!
Wifeys car is on its last legs :( Im sure the thermostat has gone so a new one of those is due as well as the tax. Still with any luck the new contract for work should be starting in the next couple of weeks so some new income is hopefully forthcoming.
Now I want to come onto a bit of a serious issue. I want to talk about something that is well known but still is not talked of out in the open. My reasons for this are that someone close to me opened up to me over Christmas because they knew I have and still do suffer from this condition, although not in constant way anymore.
Depression is a common ailment today and is still hidden under the carpet as a taboo subject. I have suffered this in the extreme from full blackouts that last a couple of days, where I lose all memory and this has happened only once thank goodness, to the more everyday down in a deep rut that you just cannot pull yourself out of. When you first start getting depressed you have no idea whats happening. You just think you are really fed up! We all get down sometimes and thats just the way of things, its normal and nothing to panic about. But time passes and you start to fell really lost. You dont want to do anything and even the most simple of tasks seem like mountanous obsticles that you just wont have the energy to overcome....even something as simple as moving to make a cup of tea.
Now I know some of you are thinking thats just lazy and it can appear so from the outside but it like a living hell. This whole process was for me like being in a train tunnel dug through the side of a mountain. There is no light at either end, you have come in so far you have no idea which way is out, forward or backwards. Its just blackness in your very soul and you have no idea what to do with yourself. It doesnt matter what anyone says that hasnt been through it. No amount of people trying to cheer you up helps infact it drives you further away. You want to be left alone but that is itself a vicious circle. The more time you are by yourself the worse you feel. The more time you spend with others the worse you feel.
You do tend to hide it as well. You overcompensate in front of other people so they wont pick up on whats wrong with you. I now know that others do it as well which is crazy because we dance around the issue likes its a plague. It gets wose and worse for you as you sink deeper and deeper until you start believing you are worthless. You dont deserve to be here and you turn your thoughts to suicide. Its amazing how many ways you can kill yourself when you actually think seriously about it. Every household implement can do it. You can walk out into the road in front of a big truck or bus. Take a long walk into the ocean . Hang yourself which is quick and easy providing you do it right, if you dont it will be slow and painful. Knives for stabbing, slashing or stabbing. You get the idea.
Depression turns into desperation. You are worthless and want to die. Some do with their secret intact leaving all those behind wondering what the hell has happened. I didnt sink that deep. I was close getting to the point of having things set up to do the deed but there was still a small piece of me at the back of my mind screaming at my darkest moments to stop to do something about this. Another person told me the thing that stopped them at the brink of suicide was the realisation there was a suicide clause in their life insurance which ment the kids would get nothing.
I went to the Drs. Its the single hardest thing I had ever done explaining to a stranger what was going on, what I had been going through, what I had contemplated. Turns out I wasnt alone. It is so common out there now you shouldnt hide it and go straight to the Drs as they will help. Ok its taking tablets which in your mind makes you weak. I thought that so I didnt take them long. Dont get me wrong they made me feel better so I stopped taking them. Didnt take long to feel depressed again.
The tablets correct a chemical imbalance in the brain. You do not need them for ever in fact I havnt had any now for about 4 years but they are a tool. They are a good tool. Theres no shame in them only societies ingnorance and stigma. Thankfully the someone who I spoke at length with over Christmas has passed through the worse of the dark tunnel. They are getting help and even though the road ahead is long they will get there of that I have no doubt.
Am I cured? Nope. Ive learnt ways to deal with my depression. Simple tricks like walking the dig and working on my allotment. You learn to recognise when a bout is coming on and at times you still hit rock bottom but the tunnel is never as long these days. When I crash headlong into one there is always light at the other end.
So why all this all this as my first post in the new year? Well it is a new year a new start, perhaps we could all be a little better at understanding each other. Not be so judgemental of things we dont understand.
Heres to an excellent year :)
The new year has come in with a big freeze. Damn its cold. Weve had snow and the temp hasn't got above freezing for a good few days with another 10 days instore for us. The motorbike hasnot coped well with this. I put a new battery on just before Christmas and now the cold has killed that one as well! I wouldnt mind but I had been starting and running the bike every couple of days to warm it through and keep the battery charged so now I will have to buy a trickle charger as the battery is the gel type!
Wifeys car is on its last legs :( Im sure the thermostat has gone so a new one of those is due as well as the tax. Still with any luck the new contract for work should be starting in the next couple of weeks so some new income is hopefully forthcoming.
Now I want to come onto a bit of a serious issue. I want to talk about something that is well known but still is not talked of out in the open. My reasons for this are that someone close to me opened up to me over Christmas because they knew I have and still do suffer from this condition, although not in constant way anymore.
Depression is a common ailment today and is still hidden under the carpet as a taboo subject. I have suffered this in the extreme from full blackouts that last a couple of days, where I lose all memory and this has happened only once thank goodness, to the more everyday down in a deep rut that you just cannot pull yourself out of. When you first start getting depressed you have no idea whats happening. You just think you are really fed up! We all get down sometimes and thats just the way of things, its normal and nothing to panic about. But time passes and you start to fell really lost. You dont want to do anything and even the most simple of tasks seem like mountanous obsticles that you just wont have the energy to overcome....even something as simple as moving to make a cup of tea.
Now I know some of you are thinking thats just lazy and it can appear so from the outside but it like a living hell. This whole process was for me like being in a train tunnel dug through the side of a mountain. There is no light at either end, you have come in so far you have no idea which way is out, forward or backwards. Its just blackness in your very soul and you have no idea what to do with yourself. It doesnt matter what anyone says that hasnt been through it. No amount of people trying to cheer you up helps infact it drives you further away. You want to be left alone but that is itself a vicious circle. The more time you are by yourself the worse you feel. The more time you spend with others the worse you feel.
You do tend to hide it as well. You overcompensate in front of other people so they wont pick up on whats wrong with you. I now know that others do it as well which is crazy because we dance around the issue likes its a plague. It gets wose and worse for you as you sink deeper and deeper until you start believing you are worthless. You dont deserve to be here and you turn your thoughts to suicide. Its amazing how many ways you can kill yourself when you actually think seriously about it. Every household implement can do it. You can walk out into the road in front of a big truck or bus. Take a long walk into the ocean . Hang yourself which is quick and easy providing you do it right, if you dont it will be slow and painful. Knives for stabbing, slashing or stabbing. You get the idea.
Depression turns into desperation. You are worthless and want to die. Some do with their secret intact leaving all those behind wondering what the hell has happened. I didnt sink that deep. I was close getting to the point of having things set up to do the deed but there was still a small piece of me at the back of my mind screaming at my darkest moments to stop to do something about this. Another person told me the thing that stopped them at the brink of suicide was the realisation there was a suicide clause in their life insurance which ment the kids would get nothing.
I went to the Drs. Its the single hardest thing I had ever done explaining to a stranger what was going on, what I had been going through, what I had contemplated. Turns out I wasnt alone. It is so common out there now you shouldnt hide it and go straight to the Drs as they will help. Ok its taking tablets which in your mind makes you weak. I thought that so I didnt take them long. Dont get me wrong they made me feel better so I stopped taking them. Didnt take long to feel depressed again.
The tablets correct a chemical imbalance in the brain. You do not need them for ever in fact I havnt had any now for about 4 years but they are a tool. They are a good tool. Theres no shame in them only societies ingnorance and stigma. Thankfully the someone who I spoke at length with over Christmas has passed through the worse of the dark tunnel. They are getting help and even though the road ahead is long they will get there of that I have no doubt.
Am I cured? Nope. Ive learnt ways to deal with my depression. Simple tricks like walking the dig and working on my allotment. You learn to recognise when a bout is coming on and at times you still hit rock bottom but the tunnel is never as long these days. When I crash headlong into one there is always light at the other end.
So why all this all this as my first post in the new year? Well it is a new year a new start, perhaps we could all be a little better at understanding each other. Not be so judgemental of things we dont understand.
Heres to an excellent year :)
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