2010

Here we are now a few dyas into the second decade of the millenium thankfully with all of the Christmas and new year festivities behind us. All the stress of spending money on unimportant possesions for peple you dont really want anything to do with the rest of the year is over.

The new year has come in with a big freeze. Damn its cold. Weve had snow and the temp hasn't got above freezing for a good few days with another 10 days instore for us. The motorbike hasnot coped well with this. I put a new battery on just before Christmas and now the cold has killed that one as well! I wouldnt mind but I had been starting and running the bike every couple of days to warm it through and keep the battery charged so now I will have to buy a trickle charger as the battery is the gel type!

Wifeys car is on its last legs :( Im sure the thermostat has gone so a new one of those is due as well as the tax. Still with any luck the new contract for work should be starting in the next couple of weeks so some new income is hopefully forthcoming.

Now I want to come onto a bit of a serious issue. I want to talk about something that is well known but still is not talked of out in the open. My reasons for this are that someone close to me opened up to me over Christmas because they knew I have and still do suffer from this condition, although not in constant way anymore.

Depression is a common ailment today and is still hidden under the carpet as a taboo subject. I have suffered this in the extreme from full blackouts that last a couple of days, where I lose all memory and this has happened only once thank goodness, to the more everyday down in a deep rut that you just cannot pull yourself out of. When you first start getting depressed you have no idea whats happening. You just think you are really fed up! We all get down sometimes and thats just the way of things, its normal and nothing to panic about. But time passes and you start to fell really lost. You dont want to do anything and even the most simple of tasks seem like mountanous obsticles that you just wont have the energy to overcome....even something as simple as moving to make a cup of tea.
Now I know some of you are thinking thats just lazy and it can appear so from the outside but it like a living hell. This whole process was for me like being in a train tunnel dug through the side of a mountain. There is no light at either end, you have come in so far you have no idea which way is out, forward or backwards. Its just blackness in your very soul and you have no idea what to do with yourself. It doesnt matter what anyone says that hasnt been through it. No amount of people trying to cheer you up helps infact it drives you further away. You want to be left alone but that is itself a vicious circle. The more time you are by yourself the worse you feel. The more time you spend with others the worse you feel.

You do tend to hide it as well. You overcompensate in front of other people so they wont pick up on whats wrong with you. I now know that others do it as well which is crazy because we dance around the issue likes its a plague. It gets wose and worse for you as you sink deeper and deeper until you start believing you are worthless. You dont deserve to be here and you turn your thoughts to suicide. Its amazing how many ways you can kill yourself when you actually think seriously about it. Every household implement can do it. You can walk out into the road in front of a big truck or bus. Take a long walk into the ocean . Hang yourself which is quick and easy providing you do it right, if you dont it will be slow and painful. Knives for stabbing, slashing or stabbing. You get the idea.

Depression turns into desperation. You are worthless and want to die. Some do with their secret intact leaving all those behind wondering what the hell has happened. I didnt sink that deep. I was close getting to the point of having things set up to do the deed but there was still a small piece of me at the back of my mind screaming at my darkest moments to stop to do something about this. Another person told me the thing that stopped them at the brink of suicide was the realisation there was a suicide clause in their life insurance which ment the kids would get nothing.

I went to the Drs. Its the single hardest thing I had ever done explaining to a stranger what was going on, what I had been going through, what I had contemplated. Turns out I wasnt alone. It is so common out there now you shouldnt hide it and go straight to the Drs as they will help. Ok its taking tablets which in your mind makes you weak. I thought that so I didnt take them long. Dont get me wrong they made me feel better so I stopped taking them. Didnt take long to feel depressed again.

The tablets correct a chemical imbalance in the brain. You do not need them for ever in fact I havnt had any now for about 4 years but they are a tool. They are a good tool. Theres no shame in them only societies ingnorance and stigma. Thankfully the someone who I spoke at length with over Christmas has passed through the worse of the dark tunnel. They are getting help and even though the road ahead is long they will get there of that I have no doubt.

Am I cured? Nope. Ive learnt ways to deal with my depression. Simple tricks like walking the dig and working on my allotment. You learn to recognise when a bout is coming on and at times you still hit rock bottom but the tunnel is never as long these days. When I crash headlong into one there is always light at the other end.

So why all this all this as my first post in the new year? Well it is a new year a new start, perhaps we could all be a little better at understanding each other. Not be so judgemental of things we dont understand.

Heres to an excellent year :)