Here we are well into winter and it has dropped so very early this year. Keeping the chickens water from turning into concrete ice is a constant struggle especially seeing as its been below freezing for the best part of a week with a temp of -7 last night! The chooks seem indifferent to it all aprt from loving warm vegtable peelings being given to them daily which turns into mayhem when put into their run.
I worked as a recovery driver for a few months which was a really interesting job. Its amazing how daft folk can be when it comes to not knowing a thing about their cars!!! The problem with the job was the ridiculus "on call" hours which came in at 60 hours over a weekend if you were on. This led to no life or time with the family so I found another job and handed in my notice.
I thought it prudent to have 2 weeks off between leaving one job and starting another as there was so much work to do within the house which all got done in a week or so. Then I got the call saying my new job had been put on hold due to government cut backs so I am once again hunting around for work.
So other than christmas preperations which are all done anyway (how smug am I!) and the snow on the ground which stops me from doing anything outside its all rather dull! I am considering retraining into something health care based so thats being looked into and a new direction in my work outlook.
Sunday 28 November 2010
Friday 2 July 2010
Damn back
Im just back from the Drs because yet again my back has been playing up.
Turns out that I have a disc bulging out of my spine causing sciatica and muscle spasms so at least 2 weeks off of work and a trip to see the physio.
We are just getting on our feet after a really tough year, like so many other people out there, so this has really got me down. I seem to have enough drugs here to knock out a horse!!
Has anyone any suggestions of how to fill the next two weeks involving no driving, lifting or bending over as I have to potter around to help the disc back in!
Turns out that I have a disc bulging out of my spine causing sciatica and muscle spasms so at least 2 weeks off of work and a trip to see the physio.
We are just getting on our feet after a really tough year, like so many other people out there, so this has really got me down. I seem to have enough drugs here to knock out a horse!!
Has anyone any suggestions of how to fill the next two weeks involving no driving, lifting or bending over as I have to potter around to help the disc back in!
Thursday 1 July 2010
Summer is here.
Here we are well into full blown summer here in Blighty. The weather has been amazingly warm and even Glastonbury got away with not getting its annual downpour turning the largest festival into a mud pool...no instead it was a dustbath of a site with 1000's suffering heatstroke and sunburn all in the name of fun!
I had the pleasure of being at the Isle of Wight festival this year which is full of youngsters who know no better after being let of off the leash for the first time. I have never witnessed such a huge number of youngsters that drunk or that sunburnt anywhere before. Now I know there is supposed to be a recession but these kids were spending money like water on alcohol, socks!!??? (why socks are so popular on the site I have no idea seeing as they seemed to be constantly stripping all of their other clothing off), toasties, greasy pizza's (apprantley the staple diet of this festival) and last but not least hour upon hour of queing for.................................................
mobile phone charging.
No I kid you not these plonkers were spending massive portions of their days either in a que to charge their mobiles or in another que to collect them. Now I admit I can be an old fart at times but at 36 I know I am not THAT old so why do I find this phone thing crazy??? When I was let off of my leash as a teenager for my first foray into the festival scene mobile phones were not something that even entered our minds. I mean you were away from home feeling like a grown up for the first time, you were more (only) interested in chasing women (ok girls) and drinking so much you made an arse out of yourself (normally chasing girls) so why in any gods name would you want to A) call your parents B)have your parents call you?
You are in a field so why would you want to play on the internet? Why pay £200 for a bloody festival ticket so you can do exactly what you would do at home???? Have the next generation got so involved with being plugged into the world wide web that they can no longer tell where they are even when its in a feild on a glorious day at the start of summer with no parental rules and a sea of young people just like you set free for the first time? Perhaps its time to look up from your handhelds guys & girls, blink a few times to clear your eyes and just perhaps then you could get on with living a real life with real people.
Belive me you are not young and free for long. Before you realise you will be working a proper job, paying the bills and wondering what your kids are doing at their first festival calling home 5 times a day!
I had the pleasure of being at the Isle of Wight festival this year which is full of youngsters who know no better after being let of off the leash for the first time. I have never witnessed such a huge number of youngsters that drunk or that sunburnt anywhere before. Now I know there is supposed to be a recession but these kids were spending money like water on alcohol, socks!!??? (why socks are so popular on the site I have no idea seeing as they seemed to be constantly stripping all of their other clothing off), toasties, greasy pizza's (apprantley the staple diet of this festival) and last but not least hour upon hour of queing for.................................................
mobile phone charging.
No I kid you not these plonkers were spending massive portions of their days either in a que to charge their mobiles or in another que to collect them. Now I admit I can be an old fart at times but at 36 I know I am not THAT old so why do I find this phone thing crazy??? When I was let off of my leash as a teenager for my first foray into the festival scene mobile phones were not something that even entered our minds. I mean you were away from home feeling like a grown up for the first time, you were more (only) interested in chasing women (ok girls) and drinking so much you made an arse out of yourself (normally chasing girls) so why in any gods name would you want to A) call your parents B)have your parents call you?
You are in a field so why would you want to play on the internet? Why pay £200 for a bloody festival ticket so you can do exactly what you would do at home???? Have the next generation got so involved with being plugged into the world wide web that they can no longer tell where they are even when its in a feild on a glorious day at the start of summer with no parental rules and a sea of young people just like you set free for the first time? Perhaps its time to look up from your handhelds guys & girls, blink a few times to clear your eyes and just perhaps then you could get on with living a real life with real people.
Belive me you are not young and free for long. Before you realise you will be working a proper job, paying the bills and wondering what your kids are doing at their first festival calling home 5 times a day!
Saturday 5 June 2010
No im not dead!
How two months have passed so quickly is beyound me. I am no longer in the depths of despair, in fact life has been very good of late.
Im subbing to an events company I have had dealings with for over 10 years now. Im crazy busy regulary pulling 14 hour days setting up major events for those that are lets say somewhat less than functional from abuse of alcohol or other substances. But het life is good earning well, in fact wifey now has a new car, well I say car its a Hyundai Atoz which is ideal for city driving and missing every wall she can find!
At least she can park this one even though all the flower stickers she has put on the damn thing would put me off driving it in a straight line!
Our neighbours are still a bloody nightmare. I have no issue with who anyone prays to or what country they are from having been an "immigrant" myself in the past but no manners or respect for noise levels drives me more than insane. Words have been had but to no effect and I am at the point that if I go around again more than words would pass so I refrain. On the positive side we are looking for a small holding which for us is the next step on from chickens and the allotment....whatch this space.
So generally life is on the up. Im off to the Isle of Wight next week for another major event which will earn good dosh. Maybe my new motor will not be too far away after all!!!
Im subbing to an events company I have had dealings with for over 10 years now. Im crazy busy regulary pulling 14 hour days setting up major events for those that are lets say somewhat less than functional from abuse of alcohol or other substances. But het life is good earning well, in fact wifey now has a new car, well I say car its a Hyundai Atoz which is ideal for city driving and missing every wall she can find!
At least she can park this one even though all the flower stickers she has put on the damn thing would put me off driving it in a straight line!
Our neighbours are still a bloody nightmare. I have no issue with who anyone prays to or what country they are from having been an "immigrant" myself in the past but no manners or respect for noise levels drives me more than insane. Words have been had but to no effect and I am at the point that if I go around again more than words would pass so I refrain. On the positive side we are looking for a small holding which for us is the next step on from chickens and the allotment....whatch this space.
So generally life is on the up. Im off to the Isle of Wight next week for another major event which will earn good dosh. Maybe my new motor will not be too far away after all!!!
Monday 12 April 2010
Am I normal???
Ok lets start with what is normal? Its whatever it is to an individual but we obviously have our social expectations of what normal is.
Ive never really fallen into the whole work your 9-5 job pay your mortgage and then retire on your savings. I cant stay in one place for long as it drives me nuts and I am always wanting to move onto the next experience with work and living.
At times this does drive me around the bend. We have been in Nottingham for nearly 6 months and I hate it. My eldest daughter hates it and my youngest doesnt mind it too much but would prefer to be back in Kettering. The major problem being wifey loves it. Its her home town and shes glad to be back.
We are luckier than alot of people as we do have a roof over our heads. The bills are paid and we have food in our bellies. BUT im sure there is something wrong in my head! I cant stay still. I have a massive desire to move on again to the next challenge but fear this will destroy my marriage. I would love to be "normal". To want nothing more than one home in one place with a lifetime in a regular 9-5 looking forward with glee to the traditional 2 week holiday and bank holidays for those extra days off. To have a regular life long group of friends with the set nights out.
I cant do it. I work hard so I can see interesting new places. But I wish at times I could settle into that sort of routine.
Ive never really fallen into the whole work your 9-5 job pay your mortgage and then retire on your savings. I cant stay in one place for long as it drives me nuts and I am always wanting to move onto the next experience with work and living.
At times this does drive me around the bend. We have been in Nottingham for nearly 6 months and I hate it. My eldest daughter hates it and my youngest doesnt mind it too much but would prefer to be back in Kettering. The major problem being wifey loves it. Its her home town and shes glad to be back.
We are luckier than alot of people as we do have a roof over our heads. The bills are paid and we have food in our bellies. BUT im sure there is something wrong in my head! I cant stay still. I have a massive desire to move on again to the next challenge but fear this will destroy my marriage. I would love to be "normal". To want nothing more than one home in one place with a lifetime in a regular 9-5 looking forward with glee to the traditional 2 week holiday and bank holidays for those extra days off. To have a regular life long group of friends with the set nights out.
I cant do it. I work hard so I can see interesting new places. But I wish at times I could settle into that sort of routine.
Saturday 3 April 2010
New Leaf
Yes yes yes its been quite some time since my last blog but I really have been busy!
Having read back on my posts the last one was about the chooks arriving. Well we lost one but thats to be expected when dealing with ex battery hens. They are worked so hard in the first year of their lives they can develop all sorts of problems. Still we have the 3 and they now live on the allotment in a new hand built coop and the next stage is to build a 20 ft run for them up there. Then some new meat birds will be added along with a turkey for christmas!
The allotment is now sorted with all the brassicas in along with our spuds! The greenhouse is full of seedlings waiting for a few weeks for the spring to kick in properly. Its so nice to see the new life and growth of food thats going to see you through the best part of the year. Its immensley satisfying to eat your own veg!
My youngest brother was over from Ireland this weekend with his fiance so all the family got together which was fantastic!! Its so rare when there is 6 kids all now grown up to be in the same place all at once! His fiance is lovely and I had to ask if she was just trying to upset her parents by marrying him lol but they do make a great couple. He will be releasing his first album over the next couple of months and if you want a taster take a look at www.davylewis.com as he has a few songs on there already and his first single is for charity so buy the download and do your bit!!
The BIG news is that I have given up smoking. There is a local support type thing that you go to every couple of weeks and they give you tips help etc. Its really good! Its been a couple of days now and im doing great. Im using patches which seem to be doing really well for me. I have to say though that I really was ready to stop. I have been smoking now for twenty years, that was an eye opener when they asked how long and I worked it out!, but it was starting to effect my health. I sounded like an old man in the morning coughing like mad and I was getting out of breath doing the simplist things. Im only 36 so this really really started to worry me.
They say the first few days are the worse but when you are ready to stop and I mean really ready it doesnt make any odds. Ive only had one bad patch when i wanted one and that was on the first day driving home from work. Now that was just habit!! I always had a couple of smokes on the drive home whether I wanted them or not!
Ive tried many times in the past to stop and normally crashed at the first hurdle but it feels so different this time and a good dose of fear of your health helps no end! Watch out for the oxygen rush though that gets you at really strange times...and you dont sleep as much??? I only have 6 hours or so anyway but that seems to have gone down to 5??? Odd!
Having read back on my posts the last one was about the chooks arriving. Well we lost one but thats to be expected when dealing with ex battery hens. They are worked so hard in the first year of their lives they can develop all sorts of problems. Still we have the 3 and they now live on the allotment in a new hand built coop and the next stage is to build a 20 ft run for them up there. Then some new meat birds will be added along with a turkey for christmas!
The allotment is now sorted with all the brassicas in along with our spuds! The greenhouse is full of seedlings waiting for a few weeks for the spring to kick in properly. Its so nice to see the new life and growth of food thats going to see you through the best part of the year. Its immensley satisfying to eat your own veg!
My youngest brother was over from Ireland this weekend with his fiance so all the family got together which was fantastic!! Its so rare when there is 6 kids all now grown up to be in the same place all at once! His fiance is lovely and I had to ask if she was just trying to upset her parents by marrying him lol but they do make a great couple. He will be releasing his first album over the next couple of months and if you want a taster take a look at www.davylewis.com as he has a few songs on there already and his first single is for charity so buy the download and do your bit!!
The BIG news is that I have given up smoking. There is a local support type thing that you go to every couple of weeks and they give you tips help etc. Its really good! Its been a couple of days now and im doing great. Im using patches which seem to be doing really well for me. I have to say though that I really was ready to stop. I have been smoking now for twenty years, that was an eye opener when they asked how long and I worked it out!, but it was starting to effect my health. I sounded like an old man in the morning coughing like mad and I was getting out of breath doing the simplist things. Im only 36 so this really really started to worry me.
They say the first few days are the worse but when you are ready to stop and I mean really ready it doesnt make any odds. Ive only had one bad patch when i wanted one and that was on the first day driving home from work. Now that was just habit!! I always had a couple of smokes on the drive home whether I wanted them or not!
Ive tried many times in the past to stop and normally crashed at the first hurdle but it feels so different this time and a good dose of fear of your health helps no end! Watch out for the oxygen rush though that gets you at really strange times...and you dont sleep as much??? I only have 6 hours or so anyway but that seems to have gone down to 5??? Odd!
Saturday 27 February 2010
Introducing the ladies.
Well today we have 4 new additions to the family and what comical additions they are!
I went and helped a charity that rescues and rehomes exbatt hens. 3000 in total where taken from their cramped cages and moved on to new homes :) Now thats got to be better than ending up as dog or cat food eh!
What I found really funny was the fact in the barns where the hens are kept in cages there are "ghost" hens. Now of course they are not real ghosts but hens that have escaped from their cages and cannot be caught! As soon as you get near them they scarper under machinary and are un catchable! Just reminded me of the film Chicken Run.
The people that help out the charity are a right old mix from all walks of life which made it fun!
Anyway the ladies are home and settling into their new run and sorting out the pecking order and I had my first egg on the drive home as well which is great :)
Thursday 25 February 2010
Interesting month
Its been a busy and interestiung month. Theres been mamy highs and some lows in a full on rollercoaster of emotions.
At the start of the month I had no job and severe winter blues. I am happy to say that on both counts the opposite is now true. I had 3 job offers in a week and of course I took the highest paid. So I am now a Dispatch manager for a tree and shrub nursery that sell wholesale to the trade.
If im honest I could see why they hired me as the dispatch side was just chaos. That took a couple of days to sort out but now runs smoothly. The problem with that is I now have not a great deal to do! In fact I am wondering why I have been hired at all because the work load doesnot justify a full time job! There are a other issues as well such as they want me to keep tally on the receptionist's mistakes so they can sack her??? Not my place I feel as she is not my secretary so I will not partake in that at all.
I managed to put my back out at the weekend whilst emptying out my old van. Damn it hurts and I managed to work a couple of days with it but have been laid up for the last two with forced rest as it was just getting worse. Not a good thing in my second week of work.
Im not surprised this has happend as I was pushing myself far too hard to get the allotment and garden sorted before I started work. But the results speak for themselves.
At the start of the month I had no job and severe winter blues. I am happy to say that on both counts the opposite is now true. I had 3 job offers in a week and of course I took the highest paid. So I am now a Dispatch manager for a tree and shrub nursery that sell wholesale to the trade.
If im honest I could see why they hired me as the dispatch side was just chaos. That took a couple of days to sort out but now runs smoothly. The problem with that is I now have not a great deal to do! In fact I am wondering why I have been hired at all because the work load doesnot justify a full time job! There are a other issues as well such as they want me to keep tally on the receptionist's mistakes so they can sack her??? Not my place I feel as she is not my secretary so I will not partake in that at all.
I managed to put my back out at the weekend whilst emptying out my old van. Damn it hurts and I managed to work a couple of days with it but have been laid up for the last two with forced rest as it was just getting worse. Not a good thing in my second week of work.
Im not surprised this has happend as I was pushing myself far too hard to get the allotment and garden sorted before I started work. But the results speak for themselves.
The plot is now clear and the garden is covered in wood chip instead of what was left of the grass!
Our friends had a bouncing baby daughter that weighed in at 5lb 2oz. After many years of trying they finally got the daughter that they wanted after IVF treatment. We were so happy for them as they will be the best parents. Mum and baby did fine and went home the following day.
The trip home was short lived as the next morning the baby was unresponsive with blue hands and feet. She was rushed to the special baby care unit and put into intensive care. There were many problems including fits every few minutes.
This was a nightmare for us and I cannot imagine what our friends were going through. Years of waiting to be so happy and winthin 48 hours stood above their baby in an incubater that they couldnt touch.
She was very very poorly but due to the hard work and dedication of the care team she started to make headway. We are now 4 days on and she is doing brilliantly. She is once again taking milk and the test results are coming back clear with no obvious underlying signs of infection. The fits have stopped and with any luck mum and baby will be home once again next week sometime.
My Dad has returned from the Falkland Islands and we are going to see him this Sunday so that should be a really interesting day with tales of the last 6 weeks and info on the family tree.
The chickens arrive this weekend as well and the run is all ready. It could do with some felt on the roof which I will do on Sat before they are put in there. I am helping the charity out collecting chickens so that should be a good way to meet some new people.
Monday 1 February 2010
Below is a post of my new Allotment! I think theres more than a bit of work to get this straight LOL
Still before you know it it will be sorted and we will have some superb home grown veg and fruit!
All I need to do is draw up a plan of our plot and work towards it. Does anyone know the best way to get rid of a couple of Foxes? Cant use a gun here in blighty so any ideas are most welcome :)
Still before you know it it will be sorted and we will have some superb home grown veg and fruit!
All I need to do is draw up a plan of our plot and work towards it. Does anyone know the best way to get rid of a couple of Foxes? Cant use a gun here in blighty so any ideas are most welcome :)
Thursday 28 January 2010
Spring must be coming...the pigeons are at it!
Here we are rushing toward the end of January finally! I have not written much of late because little of anything has been happening!
I didnt want to write about the 2 weeks of snow we had and about how housebound we were because all you had to do for that sort of info was turn on any news channel to be bombarded by idiot presenters freezing thier extremeties off giving continual coverage on the matter!
So I have saved up the feww odds of news for an end of month hit that will take more than 30 secs to write :)
The first news is that my youngest brother is realising a lifelong dream and releasing his first album in May which is fantastic news!!! We are all off to Dublin for the big day and are really looking forward to it! Hot on the back of that news he tells us he is now engaged and getting married next year in Athens which is just the cherry on the cake. I am seriously proud of him :)
He has just released his first track early and is donating all proceeds to the Haiti Earthquake appeal. The track is available for download here :----
http://www.downloadmusic.ie/davylewis/hold-on
Its well worth a £1 so give it a go and see why I am so proud and the fact it is not just my bias!
The hunt for work goes on in earnest and today I went for my second interview to work at Eon the gas & electric company. The job is working in a call center dealing with the debt side of things so could be interesting and a bit of a change in direction for me but should I get through the 3rd and final interview on Monday its mine! It will be soo good to be out earning again and not sitting stewing at home.
Since the snow melted I have cracked on with our excuse for a rear garden and filled a skip with a nightmare of a home made shed, that was full to the brim with rubbish, taken down a home made fence made out of old bedframes and doors and now have put up a new fence and a gate so I can get to my allotment! The new sheds are up and today I finished building the greenhouse frame and securing it to a base. I just need to scrub it down now and fit the glass so hopefully come the end of the weekend I will be ready to start my seedlings off in a few weeks time which is great! I love the spring and all the new life it inspires.
I sat in the city center square today, after my interview, enjoying the early and unseasonably warm sunshine with a cup of coffee and realised that the move up here even though its been harder work wise than we thought was well worth it. I settled my mind with the realisation that I have to let go of what is done ie my business and move forward. So In a weeks time I will be putting my old Transit up for sale and getting wifey a small cheap to run car for the city side of driving. At least that way parking wont be a problem :) I will use the family Vectra and I think my motorbike will have to go as well as its never used and is costing money just sitting there.
Surprisingly I feel no real sadness now about this so it really must be time to move on eh!
So all in all life is on the up, I can get outside again and work is looming upon the horizon. Oh and the warm sunshine has confused the Pigeons...I have never seen such bird pornography outside in full view of all in the city center today and I along with many others just had to laugh at the males convinced they were great whilst the females just looked at them as if to say "I've got a headache"
I didnt want to write about the 2 weeks of snow we had and about how housebound we were because all you had to do for that sort of info was turn on any news channel to be bombarded by idiot presenters freezing thier extremeties off giving continual coverage on the matter!
So I have saved up the feww odds of news for an end of month hit that will take more than 30 secs to write :)
The first news is that my youngest brother is realising a lifelong dream and releasing his first album in May which is fantastic news!!! We are all off to Dublin for the big day and are really looking forward to it! Hot on the back of that news he tells us he is now engaged and getting married next year in Athens which is just the cherry on the cake. I am seriously proud of him :)
He has just released his first track early and is donating all proceeds to the Haiti Earthquake appeal. The track is available for download here :----
http://www.downloadmusic.ie/davylewis/hold-on
Its well worth a £1 so give it a go and see why I am so proud and the fact it is not just my bias!
The hunt for work goes on in earnest and today I went for my second interview to work at Eon the gas & electric company. The job is working in a call center dealing with the debt side of things so could be interesting and a bit of a change in direction for me but should I get through the 3rd and final interview on Monday its mine! It will be soo good to be out earning again and not sitting stewing at home.
Since the snow melted I have cracked on with our excuse for a rear garden and filled a skip with a nightmare of a home made shed, that was full to the brim with rubbish, taken down a home made fence made out of old bedframes and doors and now have put up a new fence and a gate so I can get to my allotment! The new sheds are up and today I finished building the greenhouse frame and securing it to a base. I just need to scrub it down now and fit the glass so hopefully come the end of the weekend I will be ready to start my seedlings off in a few weeks time which is great! I love the spring and all the new life it inspires.
I sat in the city center square today, after my interview, enjoying the early and unseasonably warm sunshine with a cup of coffee and realised that the move up here even though its been harder work wise than we thought was well worth it. I settled my mind with the realisation that I have to let go of what is done ie my business and move forward. So In a weeks time I will be putting my old Transit up for sale and getting wifey a small cheap to run car for the city side of driving. At least that way parking wont be a problem :) I will use the family Vectra and I think my motorbike will have to go as well as its never used and is costing money just sitting there.
Surprisingly I feel no real sadness now about this so it really must be time to move on eh!
So all in all life is on the up, I can get outside again and work is looming upon the horizon. Oh and the warm sunshine has confused the Pigeons...I have never seen such bird pornography outside in full view of all in the city center today and I along with many others just had to laugh at the males convinced they were great whilst the females just looked at them as if to say "I've got a headache"
Monday 4 January 2010
2010
Here we are now a few dyas into the second decade of the millenium thankfully with all of the Christmas and new year festivities behind us. All the stress of spending money on unimportant possesions for peple you dont really want anything to do with the rest of the year is over.
The new year has come in with a big freeze. Damn its cold. Weve had snow and the temp hasn't got above freezing for a good few days with another 10 days instore for us. The motorbike hasnot coped well with this. I put a new battery on just before Christmas and now the cold has killed that one as well! I wouldnt mind but I had been starting and running the bike every couple of days to warm it through and keep the battery charged so now I will have to buy a trickle charger as the battery is the gel type!
Wifeys car is on its last legs :( Im sure the thermostat has gone so a new one of those is due as well as the tax. Still with any luck the new contract for work should be starting in the next couple of weeks so some new income is hopefully forthcoming.
Now I want to come onto a bit of a serious issue. I want to talk about something that is well known but still is not talked of out in the open. My reasons for this are that someone close to me opened up to me over Christmas because they knew I have and still do suffer from this condition, although not in constant way anymore.
Depression is a common ailment today and is still hidden under the carpet as a taboo subject. I have suffered this in the extreme from full blackouts that last a couple of days, where I lose all memory and this has happened only once thank goodness, to the more everyday down in a deep rut that you just cannot pull yourself out of. When you first start getting depressed you have no idea whats happening. You just think you are really fed up! We all get down sometimes and thats just the way of things, its normal and nothing to panic about. But time passes and you start to fell really lost. You dont want to do anything and even the most simple of tasks seem like mountanous obsticles that you just wont have the energy to overcome....even something as simple as moving to make a cup of tea.
Now I know some of you are thinking thats just lazy and it can appear so from the outside but it like a living hell. This whole process was for me like being in a train tunnel dug through the side of a mountain. There is no light at either end, you have come in so far you have no idea which way is out, forward or backwards. Its just blackness in your very soul and you have no idea what to do with yourself. It doesnt matter what anyone says that hasnt been through it. No amount of people trying to cheer you up helps infact it drives you further away. You want to be left alone but that is itself a vicious circle. The more time you are by yourself the worse you feel. The more time you spend with others the worse you feel.
You do tend to hide it as well. You overcompensate in front of other people so they wont pick up on whats wrong with you. I now know that others do it as well which is crazy because we dance around the issue likes its a plague. It gets wose and worse for you as you sink deeper and deeper until you start believing you are worthless. You dont deserve to be here and you turn your thoughts to suicide. Its amazing how many ways you can kill yourself when you actually think seriously about it. Every household implement can do it. You can walk out into the road in front of a big truck or bus. Take a long walk into the ocean . Hang yourself which is quick and easy providing you do it right, if you dont it will be slow and painful. Knives for stabbing, slashing or stabbing. You get the idea.
Depression turns into desperation. You are worthless and want to die. Some do with their secret intact leaving all those behind wondering what the hell has happened. I didnt sink that deep. I was close getting to the point of having things set up to do the deed but there was still a small piece of me at the back of my mind screaming at my darkest moments to stop to do something about this. Another person told me the thing that stopped them at the brink of suicide was the realisation there was a suicide clause in their life insurance which ment the kids would get nothing.
I went to the Drs. Its the single hardest thing I had ever done explaining to a stranger what was going on, what I had been going through, what I had contemplated. Turns out I wasnt alone. It is so common out there now you shouldnt hide it and go straight to the Drs as they will help. Ok its taking tablets which in your mind makes you weak. I thought that so I didnt take them long. Dont get me wrong they made me feel better so I stopped taking them. Didnt take long to feel depressed again.
The tablets correct a chemical imbalance in the brain. You do not need them for ever in fact I havnt had any now for about 4 years but they are a tool. They are a good tool. Theres no shame in them only societies ingnorance and stigma. Thankfully the someone who I spoke at length with over Christmas has passed through the worse of the dark tunnel. They are getting help and even though the road ahead is long they will get there of that I have no doubt.
Am I cured? Nope. Ive learnt ways to deal with my depression. Simple tricks like walking the dig and working on my allotment. You learn to recognise when a bout is coming on and at times you still hit rock bottom but the tunnel is never as long these days. When I crash headlong into one there is always light at the other end.
So why all this all this as my first post in the new year? Well it is a new year a new start, perhaps we could all be a little better at understanding each other. Not be so judgemental of things we dont understand.
Heres to an excellent year :)
The new year has come in with a big freeze. Damn its cold. Weve had snow and the temp hasn't got above freezing for a good few days with another 10 days instore for us. The motorbike hasnot coped well with this. I put a new battery on just before Christmas and now the cold has killed that one as well! I wouldnt mind but I had been starting and running the bike every couple of days to warm it through and keep the battery charged so now I will have to buy a trickle charger as the battery is the gel type!
Wifeys car is on its last legs :( Im sure the thermostat has gone so a new one of those is due as well as the tax. Still with any luck the new contract for work should be starting in the next couple of weeks so some new income is hopefully forthcoming.
Now I want to come onto a bit of a serious issue. I want to talk about something that is well known but still is not talked of out in the open. My reasons for this are that someone close to me opened up to me over Christmas because they knew I have and still do suffer from this condition, although not in constant way anymore.
Depression is a common ailment today and is still hidden under the carpet as a taboo subject. I have suffered this in the extreme from full blackouts that last a couple of days, where I lose all memory and this has happened only once thank goodness, to the more everyday down in a deep rut that you just cannot pull yourself out of. When you first start getting depressed you have no idea whats happening. You just think you are really fed up! We all get down sometimes and thats just the way of things, its normal and nothing to panic about. But time passes and you start to fell really lost. You dont want to do anything and even the most simple of tasks seem like mountanous obsticles that you just wont have the energy to overcome....even something as simple as moving to make a cup of tea.
Now I know some of you are thinking thats just lazy and it can appear so from the outside but it like a living hell. This whole process was for me like being in a train tunnel dug through the side of a mountain. There is no light at either end, you have come in so far you have no idea which way is out, forward or backwards. Its just blackness in your very soul and you have no idea what to do with yourself. It doesnt matter what anyone says that hasnt been through it. No amount of people trying to cheer you up helps infact it drives you further away. You want to be left alone but that is itself a vicious circle. The more time you are by yourself the worse you feel. The more time you spend with others the worse you feel.
You do tend to hide it as well. You overcompensate in front of other people so they wont pick up on whats wrong with you. I now know that others do it as well which is crazy because we dance around the issue likes its a plague. It gets wose and worse for you as you sink deeper and deeper until you start believing you are worthless. You dont deserve to be here and you turn your thoughts to suicide. Its amazing how many ways you can kill yourself when you actually think seriously about it. Every household implement can do it. You can walk out into the road in front of a big truck or bus. Take a long walk into the ocean . Hang yourself which is quick and easy providing you do it right, if you dont it will be slow and painful. Knives for stabbing, slashing or stabbing. You get the idea.
Depression turns into desperation. You are worthless and want to die. Some do with their secret intact leaving all those behind wondering what the hell has happened. I didnt sink that deep. I was close getting to the point of having things set up to do the deed but there was still a small piece of me at the back of my mind screaming at my darkest moments to stop to do something about this. Another person told me the thing that stopped them at the brink of suicide was the realisation there was a suicide clause in their life insurance which ment the kids would get nothing.
I went to the Drs. Its the single hardest thing I had ever done explaining to a stranger what was going on, what I had been going through, what I had contemplated. Turns out I wasnt alone. It is so common out there now you shouldnt hide it and go straight to the Drs as they will help. Ok its taking tablets which in your mind makes you weak. I thought that so I didnt take them long. Dont get me wrong they made me feel better so I stopped taking them. Didnt take long to feel depressed again.
The tablets correct a chemical imbalance in the brain. You do not need them for ever in fact I havnt had any now for about 4 years but they are a tool. They are a good tool. Theres no shame in them only societies ingnorance and stigma. Thankfully the someone who I spoke at length with over Christmas has passed through the worse of the dark tunnel. They are getting help and even though the road ahead is long they will get there of that I have no doubt.
Am I cured? Nope. Ive learnt ways to deal with my depression. Simple tricks like walking the dig and working on my allotment. You learn to recognise when a bout is coming on and at times you still hit rock bottom but the tunnel is never as long these days. When I crash headlong into one there is always light at the other end.
So why all this all this as my first post in the new year? Well it is a new year a new start, perhaps we could all be a little better at understanding each other. Not be so judgemental of things we dont understand.
Heres to an excellent year :)
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